If that’s sounds like a porno title, that’s because that’s exactly what this trip was like. It was hot and steamy. There was a dick, a pizza delivery and in the end I got fucked. The only thing this porn is missing is sex.

I took about an hour and a half train ride South of Sydney to Wollongong. I checked into my hostel and found that all 3 of my roommates were at least in their 50’s. You must get cold pretty easily when you’re older because even though it was 95° out they insisted on keeping the balcony door open 24 hrs a day. The good news is it was a first floor balcony so any critter could just wander in (like the guy below). I didn’t put my shoes on once without banging them out first.

On the first night, I wandered around like I do every new city and found my way to the Wollongong City Beach where swimming is not recommended because of strong rip currents. No silly sign is going to stop surfers though. I ate dinner at the Eat Street Market, which is a food truck festival held every Thursday night. Food trucks are the shit.

The rest of the night I tried to figure out what I was going to do in The Gong and found out that nothing I wanted to do was actually in Wollongong. I either passed it on the train ride or couldn’t get to it by public transportation. Wonderful!!

Day 2, I visited the Nan Tien Temple, which is the largest Buddhist Temple in the Southern Hemisphere. I saw real live monks, but I’m still searching for spiritual enlightenment. I was starving when I got there, so I ate a vegetarian lunch because it was the only option. I wasn’t sure exactly what everything on the plate was and I didn’t know if it was disrespectful to not finish (haha) so I ate it all.

After the temple, I headed back to the hostel and grabbed my beach gear. I took the bus to North Wollongong Beach, which was more swimmer friendly, but still had some good surf.

Day 3 was 103° and humid. Obviously, the only thing to do was go to the beach. I voluntary put on sunscreen for the first time in my life after getting a slight burn the day before. The Australia sun is no joke. When I got to the beach, this time there were signs that said “Warning: Stingers floating” and had a picture of a jellyfish on it. Everyone was in the water anyway, so at least I knew they weren’t box jellyfish, which are extremely deadly. I got in the water and within a few minutes a softball sized jellyfish floated past me. I have no idea what kind it was or what getting stung felt like, but I wasn’t sticking around to find out. I was done swimming for the day.

Eventually I headed back to the hostel to shower and change, then I got dinner and found a bar and had a few pints. When I went back to the hostel, I decided to grab a 6 pack and sit out on the balcony to drink it, since it was cooler out there than in my room. I wish that was a joke. My room was a sauna for 3 days.

As I was enjoying my beers, the oldest of the roommates (also the only one still there) came into the room and locked the screen slider. I heard the lock click, but didn’t think anything of it at the time, especially since it was the first time the slider had been closed in 3 days let alone locked.

About 5 minutes later, I had my first “Holy Shit!!” Australia moment. Something fell on my shoulder, which didn’t bother me until it scurried up over my shoulder and down my arm. I freaked out and ended up wearing half my beer. It turned out to JUST be a good sized cockroach. I needed another beer now and this is when I found out I was locked out.

After a few minutes of trying to get in my room, the old man came back in the room. I assumed he would see and hear me trying to get in since his bed was next to the slider, but after a minute he turned to leave. I said, “Hey, can you let me in?” He never looked back and just left. I swear it was intentional.

I heard some girls in the room next door, so I tried knocking on the balcony divider and calling to them. No luck. Literally, as I was putting my foot up on the 6 foot, spiked fence to try and hop over, one of the girls came to their slider. I told her what happened, handed her my key and she came in my room and unlocked the door. Jokes on you, old man!! Kimberly from Vancouver and her roommate, Sam, from California were very nice. We talked for alittle while and then went out for a drink before calling it a night. I was off to Canberra in the morning and I couldn’t get out of The Gong fast enough.